The limit of the miracle

After talking to the Doc., I have a realistic view of what the surgery will and will not do. Here are the pros:

It will:

Sew my muscles back together to provide a flatter stomach

Take the wrinkles out of my baggy skin and make the skin tight again

Move the stretch marks to mostly below my belly button

Leave me with a scar from hip to hip and possibly a small vertical one below my belly button

Leave me with a scar around my belly button

It will not:

Remove any fat that is not directly attached to the skin that is removed

Firm my muscles (but it will give me the ability to firm them on my own, something that I cannot do at the moment)

To me, these sound great. I would love it if I could just be sculpted into the person I used to be, but that's not going to happen. That's OK. We will have invested quite a bit of money ($6986) into this new belly of mine and I think I will think about that before any future dessert, when I want to shrug off a workout, or when I start to feel like I'm just not looking how I want to. This surgery will give me the chance to be back in shape, and that's what I would like. I want this feeling of hopelessness to go away, like it's not even in my control. I could lose weight now, and I'm sure it would help with my midsection, but it wouldn't make the skin go away, the belly would not be flatter, and there would still be no firmness.

I'm also thinking that after the surgery, I will have nothing to complain about. I've thought about this for a long time, yet I didn't think it would be something we could afford for years to come, so I had kind of just put it on the back burner. After the surgery (and even now) I am thankful that we are fortunate enough to go through with this and not jeopardize our family budget.

I made the meeting for the consultation to find out how much something like this costs, if I was a good candidate, and if I could prepare myself any better for this kind of surgery. A couple days before my appt., my mom came to me and let me know that she was choosing to pass on some of my grandfather's inheritance to both my sister and I. I was completely taken by surprise as I had not even thought of receiving any of that. But, with my parents backing my desire for the surgery, they gave me the opportunity to meet with the Dr. as a real visit, not just as a hypothetical situation. I am so grateful. So incredibly grateful.

I hope that my gratitude carries over with me to after the surgery, on the days when I don't want to take care of myself as well as I should. I hope that I remember how I feel now, how I hope to never feel again, and how I will never have to.

lookyloo

Here is where I post the visual. The state of how I look, sans clothing. The flab monster, my saddle bag, my "big belly" as our three year old calls it. When you see the pictures of my "relaxed" state, keep in mind, that is not me pushing out my belly. That is what it is. I can no longer push past that point though as there is no muscle to push against. I hope that makes sense. The muscles that run around my body (the transverse muscles), the ones that act much like a corset, are torn from right below my breastbone to down below my belly button so there is essentially nothing in the front of me besides skin and fat. The tummy tuck will correct that.

The reasons I would like to have a tummy tuck go beyond what you can see (being able to sit up properly, minimizing back pain, being able to work out or run again without feeling like I'm not connected...), but a large part of me wants the tummy tuck to "fix" how I look. I do not feel comfortable looking pregnant all of the time. I liked looking pregnant when I was, I don't like it when I'm not. So, here goes...

Here I am 3 months before our first pregnancy. I am 5'2" and weighed approx. 115lbs

Here I am about a month before our last kiddo's pregnancy. I don't have a ton of shots of me in a two piece, though I was comfortable enough to wear one! I was probably around 119lbs.

Here I am today. I am still 5'2" (pregnancy does not make you grow taller) and approx. 128lbs.

Side view, flexing my belly. This is how I usually try to stand. This is when I get the looks of, "is she, or is she not pregnant?"

Annnnd.....here I am naturally. This is when people ask me if I know what I'm having.

Front shot! If I twist really fast you can watch it wave in the wind. Only kind of joking.

Front shot with the lower....skin pool? Where all of the skin forms a line and just lets the stuff above hang over.

Flexing

Natural

And now for my trick that the boys love :)

Now you see it....

Now you don't! The full SUV is in my belly button!

And now it is completely under the flap of flab that is my midsection

Ok then! That is slightly embarrassing, but really exciting to think that in a few months, I'll be able to post after shots, and I'm hoping that I might be able to compare a little more to the first photo rather than my pregnancy belly shots!

Consult

"Boy, the work we could do on you!" was probably the most validating thing I could have heard coming from a man in his 60's while fondling my very soft, very wrinkled, very saggy belly. In fact, so much so, that I think before I go for surgery I will line up as many consults as I can just to hear just how badly I need a tummy tuck.

I look pregnant. I do. The only people to admit that to me are 1) the people who have asked me when I'm due, or if I know what I'm having and 2) the surgeon.

I'm grateful that my husband has not said anything, though there have been many a time that I have tried to get him to tell me what he really thinks of this belly of mine. I do have a friend (or three) who have asked me how to avoid what has become of my mid section while they go through their own pregnancies. It is hard to explain how I feel about this. It's kind of like an elephant in the room. If my friends, or husband, would truthfully tell me it's ugly, then what can they do about it? They can cheer me on in my work out routines, they can tell me they think it might be getting better. Maybe. But really the conversation would go, "Wow, that's ugly." The end. That would not be a good conversation.

I had thought about getting a tummy tuck. I had dreamed about it. There was no way we could pay for the tummy tuck, especially after starting my company. I reached out to some friends who have all gone through pregnancy to see if they had done any research on the topic, it was kind of decided they hadn't, or if they had, it was just through the Internet and no real visits to a surgeon.

I was working out. I had joined this class, Bodypump. I talked to my instructor afterwards to find out alternative exercises during the abs routine as crunches are not ideal for those with a diastasis recti. She talked to me about the exercises and then said, "Girl, you have got to get that fixed. I did." BINGO. I had somebody to talk about, somebody who looked great, still exercised, and knew what I was talking about! She had a surgeon, one who would bill insurance, and more importantly, one who she would recommend.

Weeks passed. I kept working out. I kept thinking about what could happen if I would just make the call and one day I did it. They asked if I would need a reminder call for my appt. and I said, "I've been thinking about this appt. for years. I will not forget!"

And that is how I found myself standing in a pink silk bathrobe (Chris thought it was pretty) with scaly winter skin and a floppy belly grinning from ear to ear as I listened about how he could cut me hip to hip, give me a new navel, cut off a ton of my skin, and send me home with drainage tubes.